The Wondrous Adventures of the Agent (Okay, and Ada too)
by Demonbane775
Summary: How do I not have my own tag? Seriously, Fanfiction, make a tag for The Agent. Eight letters and a space. Anyway, this is a story about how Ada and I blow stuff up. And kill things. And make out. (Not really. ) And I make a pass at Sherry Birkin. Read it, or I cut you.
1. Prologue

**The Wondrous, Marvelous Adventures of The Agent**

**or "On the subject of opening doors".**

**By The Agent**

**Prologue**

**The Issue of the Moving Doorknob**

So, I just talk into here? Right here? Like this? And how do I… Oh. It's on?

(Ada yells something unflattering in the background)

Right. Sorry.

A-hem.

Well, most of you probably know me as The Agent. I'm the only character in Resident Evil Six to lack a story, a face, and even the ability to open doors or chests. Why can I not open doors or chests, you may ask? Well, it's simple.

When I was a child (Yes, Ada, of course I wore this getup as a child. Are you telling me you didn't? Wait. You didn't?

*silence*)

Anyway. When I was a young child, I discovered that whenever I reach for doorknobs, they move around. I am not kidding. Apparently, when other people reach for doorknobs, they stay in place. I know, right? Amazing! It's like magic!

(Ada yells "Get a move on!" in the background)

Oh, shut up. This is my story and I'll tell it how I want.

Well, to compensate for this, I developed an ability to teleport, as I refused to let my disability impede my dream to become a blank, faceless insert into another person's campaign in a videogame. I auditioned for Halo Reach a couple years back, but they told me I had too much personality, so I had to come here.

So here I am. Following Ada Wong and staring at her leather-clad arse as she crawls through tunnels. I do quite enjoy my job. I get to shoot and hit things. But no doors. I still can't do doors. And no matter how much I make googly eyes at Sherry Birkin, she can't see it through the dammed helmet.

So, who wants to hear my campaign story? Or rather, Ada's from my point of view?

(Ada yells "Nobody!" in the background.)

Oh, hell with you.

I hate my life….

(Mic cuts out.)


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**Why I HATE Water.**

I watched as Ada clambered out of the deepsea diving suit.

"Why did you strip naked to get in that?" I asked with all the politeness I could while staring at her bare ass.

"Because…" she prepared to snarl some no doubt witty reply at me, but obviously couldn't think of anything. "I'll shoot you."

"It won't work."

"Why not?"

"It never does."

She proceeded to fire a burst into my chest. I was unharmed, due to the fact that Attack Reaction was off. He-he.

Yes, I just killed the fourth wall. Sue me.

"Told you."

"I hate you." She muttered, and dressed as quickly as humanly possible.

"So is this Simmons guy like, your ex or something?"

She muttered something indistinct and loaded her crossbow.

She slunk through the hallways. I followed on my tiptoes.

"There." She hissed, peering around a corner. My head popped around, just above hers.

A J'avo stood with his back to us like an idiot.

"Moron." I scoffed. "Watch this."

"No, Don't!"

I rolled out, and, drawing my combat knife, clamped a hand over the thing's mouth, and sunk the knife into his spinal cord. He dropped like a ragdoll.

The guy he'd been talking to stared at me with those big red bug eyes.

"Sorry, was that a private conversation?" I asked.

He yelled.

"INTRUDER!"

"Don't you mean INTRUDERS?" I inquired politely, gesturing at Ada. She gave me a look that could melt steel as she stepped out.

"I'll kill you later."

An arrow whizzed by my head and nailed the J'avo in the forehead, sending him to the floor. I stomped his face in.  
That left us at two against- a lot.

I unholstered my pistol and began firing, countercharging the mob of creatures. Arrows whizzed by my head, nailing the things in the face as I ran- Wasn't entirely sure if Ada was aiming at them or me, but either way, kudos.

I decided it was an appropriate time for a battle cry.

"LEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOY JEEEEEEENKIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!" I roared as I ran. And was promptly clothes-lined by some jerk with a warped sense of humor.

Hate J'avo. Not smart enough to hold an intelligent conversation with, but assholeish enough to pull practical jokes.

I had my revenge, though. Shot the asshole who downed me in the family jewels before putting a round in his faceplate. A second round in the head just to make sure he STAYED down.

Rule # 2- Double Tap. Like they say.

With a quick flip, I was back of my feet, pistol out. I fired into the mob, picking off the headshots where I could get them in.

On second thought, it was a pretty small mob. They dropped pretty quick.

Ada dashed past me, and I followed. Then, suddenly, she swerved. Why…

_**BZZZZZZZZT!**_

Oh. That's why.

Now I know what a moth feels like when it hits a bug zapper.

I clambered to my feet and took off after Ada- again. Not much interesting happened for a bit. More J'avo. Steel corridors. Bleach. It gets old after a while.

Until we hit the door.

"What the fu-"

Before I had finished, Ada had completed the- ahem- 'Puzzle'.

"Move." With a high-heeled boot to the back, she sent me stumbling through the door.

And the second I stepped through, a rather nasty-looking gun turret centered on me.

"Shit." I dove just as it fired. Fortunately, it wasn't pointed at me. It mowed down a J'avo that had been just behind me.

"Teamwork isn't a strong point here." Ada noted.

"Woman, have you ever heard of irony?"

**These chapters are gonna be pretty short. I'm breaking the submarine into three chapters, then there's gonna be a short parody chapter mocking Resident Evil high school fics. Then Tall Oaks will probably be another two or three, then a parody of romance fics. **

**From there, we'll see where it goes. That prologue cxhapter was mostly to gauge interest in a story like this. **

**So, here's the first chapter. Short and sweet. Please review, I do appreciate your feedback. **

**Untill next time!**


End file.
